tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22353280004125134812024-02-08T04:20:55.381-08:00Tattered Seamsbleeding heart
"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour f your night: must I write?" -Rainer Maria RilkeMelissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-32022332464875006032010-12-09T11:00:00.001-08:002010-12-09T11:01:51.044-08:00HonestyComplete honestly is beautiful, terrifying and vulnerable.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-46076853086294452982010-11-20T11:46:00.000-08:002010-11-20T13:30:15.730-08:00Making GoalsI don't like starting things and not finishing them.<br /><br />I think I need a goal, but I'm afraid I'll start something and not finish it.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-67829435175975945112010-10-27T16:25:00.000-07:002010-10-27T16:30:46.065-07:00Dating ChecklistI have a checklist for my heart. There's a line drawn straight down the middle. There's the good side and the bad side. And, I just keep going down the good side and checking things off that are right.<br /><br />And the bad side is just sitting there. All alone. With no check marks. I know that is good that there's nothing bad yet. But...Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-1809711735613777982010-10-27T16:24:00.000-07:002010-10-27T16:25:17.023-07:00EverythingI am realizing that I can't be everything to everyone.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-78306031921095482982010-10-22T23:15:00.000-07:002010-10-22T23:25:31.012-07:00a friend in loveI got a text today from a friend that said "I'm in love tee hee"<br /><br />So wonderful! I can't wait to hear what comes next!Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-39745751577190252452010-10-16T19:50:00.000-07:002010-10-16T19:54:30.773-07:00tortured soulI use to say I don't write anymore because I'm happy. My passion for words is still there, but I don't know how to channel it. <br /><br />I'm not an amazing writer, but I do think I have a passionate voice.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-79192080228800820492010-10-14T14:26:00.001-07:002010-10-14T14:35:32.423-07:00all in one placeAll the things that are important to me just might be all in one place... for the first time ever!<br /><br />xoxoMelissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-81306715706118280202010-10-10T23:15:00.000-07:002010-10-10T23:17:35.711-07:00this is my brain on drugsNot sure exactly what's going on in my brain but my memory is mush. I can't remember simple words or the ending of stories... or even what I'm talking about midway through.<br /><br />It's very disappointing.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-43155538944454793992010-10-07T09:09:00.001-07:002010-10-07T09:10:17.847-07:00Creative WritingI don't write creatively anymore. Too much time spent writing proposals and letters and marketing copy.<br /><br />I've lost my voice. I want it back in a bad way. I need a muse.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-53754835652735777272010-10-02T12:02:00.000-07:002010-10-02T12:04:02.539-07:00Rough WeekDespite my smirks. I had a rough week on the inside. I have mostly face-level friendships right now. So it's hard not to be able to talk about it.<br /><br />Like I always say, I'm working on it...Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-3808010472646015862010-10-01T09:05:00.000-07:002010-10-01T09:06:18.773-07:00SmirkI head out the door each morning with a smirk on my face. It's not quite a smile, but that's OK!<br /><br />I'm working on it...Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-10924270051483722692010-09-26T22:54:00.000-07:002010-09-26T22:56:27.397-07:00feelings I hateI hate the feeling that everything I do or say will be judged, hated or despised by someone.<br /><br />I hate constantly being wrongly accused of my intentions. <br /><br />These things don't feel good.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-18564627409326015562010-09-26T20:32:00.000-07:002010-09-26T21:08:09.292-07:00I choose sensibleIn my need to get all drama out of my life - I seem to attract more. I feel like the only drama-free people in the world are totally oblivious and mindless.<br /><br />Not sure I would choose that, but equally unsure I like the bullshit.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-32077971944547967602010-03-04T20:36:00.000-08:002010-03-04T20:37:54.941-08:00I've still go itI write from my heart...Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-35783989534925445722010-02-24T22:47:00.000-08:002010-02-24T22:48:07.925-08:00DeterminationSelf-determination is fine but needs to be tempered with self-control.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-65617273105323695832010-02-15T18:31:00.000-08:002010-02-15T18:33:17.646-08:00Writing<blockquote>"If we don't show anyone, we're free to write to anything."<br /><br />-Allen Ginsberg<br /></blockquote>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-74699485913667592382010-02-05T13:27:00.000-08:002010-02-05T13:32:16.364-08:00Things Don't Change MuchIf you want an update on my life, you only need to read the last few posts.<br /><br />I'm working on it.<br /><br />I feel a sense of urgency.<br /><br />I'm currently dating.<br /><br />And, I spend a lot of time thinking about the person I want to be.<br /><br />It's a reminder about how much doesn't change very fast. I have been feeling like I need a bigger change in my life. I feel like I need to uproot something. My house? My volunteer gig? My friends? My job? <br /><br />I have been looking more closely at graduate school and job options. But I'm not sure if any are the cure for my feelings.<br /><br />Since PJ died over the summer, I'm reminded how short life is. And I spend a little more time counting my blessings.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-40331762402360496932009-05-18T22:39:00.000-07:002009-05-18T22:40:42.669-07:00Dating ...back in the saddle againMelissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-26429053903438354142009-04-25T16:40:00.000-07:002009-04-25T16:41:33.759-07:00Do I give too much?<h2>The best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others."<br /><div align="right">— Ghandi</div></h2>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-12730341632002617142009-02-15T08:54:00.000-08:002009-02-15T09:03:19.119-08:00Who I want to beI spend a lot of time thinking about who I <span style="font-style: italic;">want</span> to be vs. who I <span style="font-style: italic;">do not</span> want to be. When I see things that I <span style="font-style: italic;">do not</span> want to be, I try to find the similarities between myself and that thing, or that action.<br /><br />I have a roommate for the past 5 months and there are so many things about the way she acts that makes me not want to be like her at all. Yet, given that I had the same thoughts and feelings as her, I see how they could translate into how she is acting.<br /><br />And lately I spend a lot of time asking the question: How do I let myself have feelings without letting them turn into actions? Or, is it that I should be thinking more about what kind of actions I should turn them into?Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-42420102746960949472009-01-26T22:32:00.000-08:002009-01-26T22:33:50.740-08:00datingI think the thing I have learned the most from my recent dates is that I am not as charming as I think I am...<br /><br />For now, I'm not working on that. I've got enough to worry about.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-24410643147084808502009-01-25T21:06:00.000-08:002009-01-25T21:16:18.058-08:00I'm working on itAt work, when my boss, volunteers and board members put pressure on me I always say "I'm working on it." <br /><br />At my volunteer job when I'm a little late emailing logos and files, I say "I'm working on it."<br /><br />So it was only natural that when it's my life that needs fixing, I think to myself "I'm working on it."<br /><br />I AM working on it. Whatever it is that needs fixing.. I'm working on it. I taped a note next to the mirror in my bedroom and it says "Work on Melissa."<br /><br />I figured those three words were enough to remind me that daily I need to make decisions based on fixing me. And I'm working on some really big decisions. I want to quit my volunteer job and kick out my roommate.<br /><br />Have I exactly told them I'm doing that... well, I'm working on it.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-24944335216234727822008-11-13T19:52:00.000-08:002008-11-13T19:59:00.711-08:00Sense of UrgencyI'm feeling a sense of urgency in my life... at work, with my sewing, in my volunteer life.<br /><br />I want to fix it. I don't even necessarily know what the problem is, but i want to fix it.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-26846875784268770892008-09-27T23:57:00.000-07:002008-09-28T00:07:45.570-07:00candles, music and feeling sorryWhen I was a teenager, I use to turn off the lights in my bedroom, light candles, put a CD in my stereo (usually The Cure), and feel sorry for myself. <br /><br />I would also write poems, read books, and really take the time to listen to myself and to my feelings. At that time in my life, I had no idea who I was and I wasn't allowed to be anything.<br /><br />Now, there are some nights where I slow down enough and think that maybe I should light some candles and ... write in my journal. Except, I don't feel sorry for myself. And I don't feel like I need to explore my feelings as much. But I want still want to write - I just worry it doesn't have the meaning it use to.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2235328000412513481.post-79752576913198119082008-08-16T09:45:00.000-07:002008-08-16T10:06:59.055-07:00Apparently I'm SelfishToday someone called me selfish and self-absorbed. <br /><br />It really made me stop and think about the things I was being selfish about lately. <br /><ul><li>I want more time to myself so I can sew and read books. I want to cut back on my volunteer activities so that I can do this.</li><li>I want to live alone and not have a roommate.</li><li>I want to be able to sit outside in the nice weather and just enjoy myself for a minute. (Again, I would have to cut back on my volunteer activities.)</li><li>I want a raise at work, which means more money in my bank account and less money in the hands of homeless families.</li></ul>Why do I feel guilty the minute I try to do something for myself? Why is it a bad thing to want someone else to do something for me? <br /><br />I put so much passion into everything I do. I am self-absorbed. I am absorbed into my volunteer work, I am absorbed into working toward alleviating homelessness. I don't think those two things are so bad....Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06580456108418139001noreply@blogger.com1