last night someone walked up to me and gently set a brick inside my chest and on top of my heart... then made a getaway.

It's not fair.

I wasn't prepared for it.

change is good.

change comforts me like small spaces, and patterns of flowers on a yellow background

comforting like music and familiar handwriting

like the feeling of a warm cup in your hands

comforting like spending time laying in bed lost in your own mind

comforts that I miss immensley

I created a new campaign for my life.

** I do not live in a soap opera **

I've had other campaigns. My senior year of college I had "Mel's Gone Wild!" It was very successful.

But yesterday, I decided I was tired of me, and others, making a soap opera of my life. For a while, I participated in whether or not people gossiped about me, or me gossiping about me... and who knows what about my secrets. But it recently went too far.

As part of my new campaign, I'm not even going to explain how the soap opera went too far.

In fact, I don't even have the patience to make sure this posting makes sense. Only to say, I have nothing about my life to be ashamed of, so therefore, no more secrets, no more soap opera.

I have definitely opened myself up to new relationships this past year... I was sick of always feeling left out... sick of always feeling alone. I was sick of always being the person on the outside of the circle and wondering why.

What I learned is that I was holding myself back.

I'm not sure how a person goes from one to the other, but I soon found myself in the center of everything again.

I also decided to be more honest with myself when it comes to my feelings. I'm not ready to write about that yet.... but I have learned that admitting feelings to myself and admitting them to other people are two very different things.

Right now, I am struggling with the later of the two.

I think lately I have been giving too much. I give too much of my time and too much of myself to people and to causes... I feel so overwhelmed by it. On one hand it makes me want to withdrawal, and on another hand, I feel like demanding that someone gives something back to me.

I search for that balance daily. At what point am I giving, or asking for too much?

today, i feel like i have run out of room in my heart. so many people i love are hurting and needing me right now and so i am taking it all in. all their hurt, and their pain and their sorrow and suffering. it is filling me up.

i have run out of room and i don't know what to do, or where to put it all. and how did i get so full in the first place?

how can i be a good friend and still leave room in my heart?

I'm not the only person with more than one side to who I am. Like you, when I wake up the in the morning I know which side of myself I need to present that day and I start my day according to that version of myself. It dictates how I get ready and the decisions I make. Do I shave my legs, condition my hair, and wear make-up? Do I wear a t-shirt on purpose even though I know I should choose a button-down shirt and slacks?

I pull myself together according to how I want others to see me.

And it works because noone sees the dishes in my sink, the pile of papers on my desk, my sock bin - in which hardly any pairs are folded together.

Noone sees that for the past 5 hours I have been in horrible pain due to stress. My back is knotted up and my ulcer has kicked into full gear. Not much helps. But I continue to do yoga stretches, drink water, relax my body and breathe in and out slowly and deeply.

Tomorrow morning I will wake up and there will still be knots in my back. I will put on my slacks and my striped button down shirt and I don't have to pretend... but others will see a side of me they want to without seeing what they don't want to.