I have definitely opened myself up to new relationships this past year... I was sick of always feeling left out... sick of always feeling alone. I was sick of always being the person on the outside of the circle and wondering why.

What I learned is that I was holding myself back.

I'm not sure how a person goes from one to the other, but I soon found myself in the center of everything again.

I also decided to be more honest with myself when it comes to my feelings. I'm not ready to write about that yet.... but I have learned that admitting feelings to myself and admitting them to other people are two very different things.

Right now, I am struggling with the later of the two.

I think lately I have been giving too much. I give too much of my time and too much of myself to people and to causes... I feel so overwhelmed by it. On one hand it makes me want to withdrawal, and on another hand, I feel like demanding that someone gives something back to me.

I search for that balance daily. At what point am I giving, or asking for too much?

today, i feel like i have run out of room in my heart. so many people i love are hurting and needing me right now and so i am taking it all in. all their hurt, and their pain and their sorrow and suffering. it is filling me up.

i have run out of room and i don't know what to do, or where to put it all. and how did i get so full in the first place?

how can i be a good friend and still leave room in my heart?

I'm not the only person with more than one side to who I am. Like you, when I wake up the in the morning I know which side of myself I need to present that day and I start my day according to that version of myself. It dictates how I get ready and the decisions I make. Do I shave my legs, condition my hair, and wear make-up? Do I wear a t-shirt on purpose even though I know I should choose a button-down shirt and slacks?

I pull myself together according to how I want others to see me.

And it works because noone sees the dishes in my sink, the pile of papers on my desk, my sock bin - in which hardly any pairs are folded together.

Noone sees that for the past 5 hours I have been in horrible pain due to stress. My back is knotted up and my ulcer has kicked into full gear. Not much helps. But I continue to do yoga stretches, drink water, relax my body and breathe in and out slowly and deeply.

Tomorrow morning I will wake up and there will still be knots in my back. I will put on my slacks and my striped button down shirt and I don't have to pretend... but others will see a side of me they want to without seeing what they don't want to.